“No. No… no no no no no.”
Tony Stark, billionaire playboy philanthropist, threw his Xbox controller across the room and dove for his cell phone, which he was relatively sure he set next to his liquor glass on the table. After some digging and rummaging through important documents and old pizza boxes, Tony discovered the device. He quickly dialed up a number and held it to his ear.
Pepper Potts’ voice came through. “Tony, it’s four a.m., what are you –“
“Pepper, I need to buy a video game company.”
That drew silence from the other side of the phone; before the red head could recuperate, Tony continued. “Now, I know that silence, that’s the ‘Tony has another bad idea’ silence, but really this time it’s not a bad idea and it’s for a genuinely good cause –“
“What are you going on about, Tony?”
“It’s this game, okay? Mass Effect, it’s all Rhodey’s fault, blame him, he gave it to me – well, he gave me the first one, and I bought the other two – Collector’s Editions, every DLC –“
“So, the games – they’re great. Mostly. Got some problems, what doesn’t, but I like them. Love them.”
“Okay, and that means you have to buy their company… why exactly?”
Tony was standing and pacing now. “They’ve got problems. Nothing’s perfect, unless I made it, and I didn’t make them so they’re not perfect. See what I’m getting at?”
“Your ego is still larger than the island of Manhattan?”
“I need to buy the company so I can have some input! I mean, Pepper, if you’d played this game – you would not believe what they did with the ending!” Throwing his free hand in the air, Tony paced around the couch, moving for the sake of moving. “It’s the worst, moronic, empty plot device I’ve ever seen, and the SCIENCE – god, what did they do to science!”
“Tony you’re not making sense.”
“That’s because I’m talking about the ending and the ending didn’t make sense! There was this kid and these three stupid options and junk science and Buzz Aldrin and it was the worst thing ever.”
“Worse than Loki. I would take fighting Loki without the suit rather than that ending. I would sell my soul to Reed Richards – wait, scratch that - I would have a heart to heart chat about feelings with Prof. Xavier before accepting that ending. It’s terrible.”
“… so you’re buying the company to…?”
“Well, it’s obvious they were rushed and out of ideas and EA is a total bag of dicks, so I figure – I buy the company, I finance the games, and they’ll release an ending where my FemShep and Garrus ride off into the sunset to raise Krogan babies and everything’s hunky dory.”
“… are you high?”
Nick Fury was sitting in his office, working diligently on something not world threatening for once, when his personal phone rang. He’d given all the Avengers his personal number for emergencies, though he was very close to blocking certain team members from calling him.
The man’s phone buzzed; he set his pen down and removed it from his belt, looking at the name. “Speak of the devil,” He grunted, reluctantly putting the phone to his ear. “Stark.”
“Fury, hey, how are you, nice day?”
“Get to the point.”
“Right. There’s a big problem – BIG problem – that needs your immediate attention or else the entire galaxy is going to succumb to an evil alien invasion.”
That raised the man’s eyebrows.
“So what you need to do is help me convince Pepper to buy a video game company –“
“ – or at least help me vanquish it so that it’s capacity for soul-crushing, science-ruining badness is forever destroyed!”
“Why am I down here again?”
“Because we’re friends, and everyone knows friends play video games together.” Tony smiled in a totally innocent way as Bruce cocked an eyebrow.
“I thought we were more of the doing science friends than the playing video game friends.” But he still took a seat on the couch.
Tony shrugged, sitting beside him, holding the controller in his hand. “Why can’t we be both? Don’t worry, this series is fun, completely stress free, and the third game just has the best ending…”
When the Hulk attacked E.A.’s headquarters a week later, everyone knew it was Tony’s fault. He paid for all the damages, but that was okay – if he couldn’t have his ending, he could at least have his vengeance.
“Sometimes, I really hate you.” Bruce mumbled from the other side of the couch. In his hand was one of his ruined shoes, destroyed by his last transformation. He stared at it with a forlorn yet irritated look. Tony wasn’t really paying attention to him. From the way he was staring at the news coverage of the Hulk’s attack, he was still thinking about his little scheme.
“Maybe next time they’ll think twice before ruining everything with SPACE MAGIC SCIENCE and glowing children and Buzz Aldrin.”
Bruce threw his shoe at him.
I don’t even know okay don’t judge me.
OH MY GOD YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW HOW HAPPY THIS MAKES ME I SWEAR THE ENDING I WAS DANCING ALL AROUND THE ROOM AND CACKLING MADLY AND OH MY GOD TONY STARK YOU ARE A MOTHERFUCKING GENIUS LET ME LOVE YOU ZVNLAKDJFHALKDJFHLKJD